


See that pencil?  Shove it in your eye.

by raphaelslewis



Series: Hit Me With Your One Shots [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, M/M, Manic Episodes, Protective Raphael, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, TRIGGER WARNINGS IN THE BEGINNING NOTES, episode 13 didn't happen, im in one of my moods, intrusive memories/thoughs, raphael worries about simon, seriously though, simon has bpd, suffering sustains my cold black heart tbh, this fic is straight up depressing, violent impulses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-29
Updated: 2016-04-29
Packaged: 2018-06-04 20:21:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6674212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raphaelslewis/pseuds/raphaelslewis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He watched, transfixed as the splinters were carefully pulled from his hand, the flesh catching and tugging back at the wood. He couldn't feel the pain anymore, he was too numb for that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	See that pencil?  Shove it in your eye.

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS: BLOOD, BORDERLINE MANIC EPISODE, SELF-HARM, PSYCHOSIS, VIOLENT IMPULSES, MENTAL ILLNESS. SERIOUSLY JUST DON'T READ IF YOU THINK IT MIGHT TRIGGER YOU.

Being a vampire didn't change a lot of things. The Borderline personality disorder wasn't magically cured when he was turned, he still had his manic episodes and his low days, he just got better at hiding it from people.

Especially Raphael.

Today, however, he couldn't hide it. He was in the middle of a severe episode when Raphael walked into their room, back early from his meeting with representatives of the Boston clan.

'Simon? What are you doing?'

Simon was sitting at his desk, clenching his eyes _shut shut shut_ everytime the thoughts shouted at him. It was a cacophony of memories and inner monolog; everytime Simon had made a fool of himself, said the wrong thing, done something minorly upsetting to those around him.

_stupid. stupid. stupid. why are you like this?_

He gripped the pencil in his hand, trying ride out the waves of hysteria and _hate hate hate_.

_see that pencil? shove it in your eye. you deserve to hurt._

The wood shattered between his fingers and suddenly Raphael was there, gently coaxing the splinters away from him. He opened his eyes to stare at the few small pieces that had lodged themselves in his hand and the sight of blood welling around the shards of pencil eased the discordance in his head. Slightly.

_more more more. rip the flesh from your face._

He watched, transfixed as the splinters were carefully pulled from his hand, the flesh catching and tugging back at the wood. He couldn't feel the pain anymore, he was too numb for that.

_the clan hates you and raphael just feels obligated to be with you. he doesn't actually care about you. you should just end it, make their lives better._

Simon closed his eyes to fight back the tears that threatened to fall. He pulled his arm away from Raphael to tug at his hair. His voice was trembling as he shouted at the static in his brain.

"Stop! I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't." 

_yes you can. do it. you'll feel better_

The voices were crooning at him, beckoning his mind toward the sweet relief of death. Simon was trembling and Raphael just stood there, motionless and worried. He didn't know how to help his partner and it terrified him.

_you're useless_

Simon shifted his hands from the now limp strands of his hair to cover his ears, he just wanted everything to stop. He hated himself more and more with every memory that slapped him in the face. It made him curl in on himself and choke on his sobs.

_an embarrassment to everyone_

He could feel bloody tears dripping down his cheeks and he hated it. Simon pushed his palms against his eyes and clawed bloody cresent moons into the skin just above his eyebrows.

_so pathetic_

Through the static cacophony in his head, Simon faintly heard Raphael calling his name. Suddenly his hands were pulled from his face and, in looking up at his partner, he realized that there was blood everywhere. It drove him into a frenzy.

_more more more red red red_

Simon fought against Raphaels strong grip, he couldn't do this, he needed _out out out_. He started shouting again, voice breaking repeatedly as he sobbed and struggled.

"I hate you. let me go."

_please don't leave. I'm scared_

Suddenly he was sitting on the floor, between Raphael's legs, his arms pinned down as he was hugged by from behind. Raphael started muttering sofly into his left ear and he rocked them back and forth. 

"Simon, baby, it'll be okay. You'll be okay, you're so strong, you'll make it through this."

He sobbed harder, trying to free his arms so he could _claw maim bite destroy_ his own flesh and make the discordance stop. 

_rip the skin from your body bleed away the memories._

He cried out, his miserable howling finally attracting the attention of a few of the older clan members. Simon barely registered Lily and Elliot calling out to them because he was suddenly separated from his body and everything was static static static Simon was forced to look down at his own suffering and the horrified expressions of his clan, at the way he was thrashing around.

_look simon, they all think you're a freak. they'll laugh at how pathetic you are._

Raphael began singing softly under his breath, an old spanish lullaby that Simon had hear a lot when he first turned. Whenever the nightmares had come, Raph would sit on the edge of his bed and sing. 

The words were like a beacon of light in the darkness that threatened to suffocate him. The soft melody drew him back and he stopped fighting, body going limp as he cried. He was no longer disconnected from himself. All he could do was sob and tremble as Raphael held him.

"Leave us."

The clan leader looked away from Simon quickly, noting that not a single one had moved to leave. He bared his fangs and growled.

"GET OUT. NOW."

_please stay. i need you._

Lily and Elliot, startled by the cruelty, moved quickly to herd everyone from the room.

Raphael continued to hum as he rocked Simon back and forth. The serenity stopped him from hurting himself more than he already had. It took most of the night and a lot of quiet hours before Simon found his voice. 

"I'm sick Raph, so sick of being like this. Everything just comes at me and I can't breath. It's gets so loud in my head and it takes everything I have to ignore the voices when the tell me to do all these horrible things."

Simon took a deep breath, fighting to keep himself in the moment and not think about the teeth in his throat.

"I can't do this anymore Rafa, I'm so tired."

He was on the verge of crying again and turned around in Raphaels arms so that he could hide his misery against the soft black botton up that the clan leader was wearing. 

"Everyone knows how messed up I am now and they probably think I'm pathetic. I know you do."

_I can't lose you. Please don't leave me._

Raphael's hands moved to cradle Simons face, tilting it upward so that he could look into his eyes. 

"You are mi sol naciente. I could never think of you as pathetic, you are too vibrant and full of life to be anything but amazing. You have simply been overwhelmed, it is not your fault my love."

He used his sleeve to wipe some of the drying blood from Simons face, his expression full of love. 

"Never be afraid of showing your emotions to me Simon. You are the love of my life and I will always help you through your battles."

Raphael pulled away slightly so he could hold Simons left hand in his own and fiddle with the plain gold band sitting on his ring finger.

"If I wasn't willing to stand by you no matter what, I would not have asked you to marry me. You are my entire world baby and I don't think I could survive without you."

For the first time that night, Simon smiled.

"Raphael, I love you more than anything, thank you for staying, you keep me grounded."

_he'll leave, simon. just like everyone else._

**Author's Note:**

> okay, in all honesty i personally suffer from borderline personality disorder and was having a very minor episode when I started writing this. it was nothing compared the severity of the one simon suffers in the fic.  
>    
> i don't expect this angsty hell to be well recieved, but I needed to let everything out and I though writing fic might be a good way to do that.
> 
> im awful, but it you want i have a [tumblr](http://raphaels-lewis.tumblr.com) and a [twitter](http://twitter.com/raphaelslewis) where you can come yell at me for hurting baby simon.


End file.
